Are you a foodie?

 

A foodie or just someone who likes to hog? Someone who likes to explore different restaurants or an #InstagramFoodie?

Before calling yourself a foodie, stop! understand!

Just because you like to eat doesn’t make you a foodie. A foodie isn’t someone who tells that a particular restaurant is awesome, a foodie is someone who knows where what’s worth noshing on.

Dictionary meaning of ‘foodie’:

A person with a particular interest in food; a gourmet; a person who enjoys food for pleasure

What ‘foodie’ doesn’t mean: Food Hog

A food hog is a person who hogs and constantly eats food

Food hogs pursue eating as a hobby, foodies don’t. However, this term is recklessly thrown around of late. Even someone with a digital camera who visits restaurants only for #FoodForTheDay photos, call themselves foodiies these days. Foodies know the cooking styles, ingredients, famous preparation methods along with the origin of the food they eat.

A foodie has a list of his favourite dishes that is longer than his bucket list.

Next time, call yourself a foodie only if you can make a recommendation backed with some relevant information. Okay?

Office: World of Workplace Insanity

Office stress can be distressing, especially when you are working with childish adults, who as well, are extremely insecure about their job. These insecure people create an ambiance of cringe and crib, for they are too alone in their bubble of negativity and want to drag people inside to accompany them. So, these childish adults lack capacity to handle things on their own, and rush to the manager for smallest of concerns.
I fail to understand, why would they not bring their mummy to office, to change their diapers and feed them porridge as well.

But these people are not the only reason why taking that job up seems eyebrow raising.
There are times, when work place becomes a place that gets you worked up.

• You define your office as a place, where you come to cry.
• You contemplate every morning, if you really need this job.
• When it’s not just people, but printers too, that refuse to cooperate.
• When you are excelling only at making excel sheets.
• No coffee, no workee seems to be the only befitting quote.
• When it’s Thursday and you already can’t wait to come back from work tomorrow.
• You show around the office to a new co-worker and end up teary eyed, remembering the time when you were happy and full of life, just like him.
• You consider moving to a new country, changing your identity and start a new life.
  At least that’s better than killing someone on the job.
• When you are still 40 mins away from your logout time and you calculate that you have two twenty minute halves to deal with, which means, you would have to go through ten minutes four times.
• When the laziest colleague complains about working so hard, and you have to bite your tongue so as not to end up with HR department for abusing him.
• The times when ‘let’s sit in meeting’ turns into ‘let’s shit in meeting’.

But you got to stay strong, for it is time for the annual game at workplace that we all look forward to. That period when all the common sense deficient people and the smart asses exhibit an elaborate document with traits of their weird behaviour all through the year. Yes, the appraisals. And all of us know that no matter what the increment numbers are, it is our right to remain dissatisfied and get back to the same place, the next morning, contemplating job change.

Cockroaches feel lonely too

Cockroaches seem to have a vendetta against me. They have terrorised me ever since I was a kid. But recently, when I moved to a new abode, these horrible creatures upped their game and their attacks grew worse.

They are everywhere.

Imagine, you venture into the kitchen in the middle of the night to satisfy your craving. And out of nowhere, a cockroach dashes past you. Caught by surprise, you squish it using your shoe or slipper.

You get into your bed, feeling something under the pillow, praying for it to be a hair tie, but deep down, you know what have you just squished in your hands.

You open cupboard, they are wearing your clothes and sitting like a mannequin right there. You throw your ironed clothes on the floor, holding slipper in one hand and Mortein in another, giving them an insecticide bath.

If only that had put an end to it. These creatures come in various shapes and sizes, and some are winged too!

As if they weren’t creepier already.

Know what’s scarier than a cockroach? A flying cockroach!

And what’s scarier than a flying cockroach? A cockroach going out of sight.
Then you spending the rest of the night lying in terror on my mattress thinking of it crawling around the room awaiting its revenge.

Shit hits the fan when you wake up, walk groggily to the bathroom, only to see cockroaches having a water-cooler conversation. In a matter of seconds you are fully awake, and armed.

A cockroach I saw recently was a Daredevil, sitting on the nozzle of Mortein spray bottle. I gave him an applause with my slipper.

One day, I got to know that cockroaches also get lonely in isolation. I started sympathising with them. It was as if, they wanted to be around me for company. And I was so wrong in calling them terrorising. All they wanted me to do was a little feather poking. It apparently stimulates their physical development.

Since then, whenever I spot a cockroach sitting gloomily in my closet or behind the shoe rack, I walk up to it, and say, “don’t you worry, I’m lonely too. We can be each other’s company in this pigeon hole.”

I gain its confidence and Bam! Squishy gooey cockroach’s carcass sticking to the bottom of my slipper speaks of betrayed trust.

Kinds of friends on social media

Social media is a strange place. Instead of focussing on how to be social, people end up doing social. All of us have a lot of friends on social media. Ones who send Candy Crush requests, some who are always heart broken, others who post annoying statuses – The list is endless. But calling out the various types of friends we have would be considered rude, so we tolerate them, and maybe even like their posts once in a while, out of courtesy. Here are the kinds of friends on social media:

The Selfie-Obsessed – Posting beautiful pictures of yourself that you took yourself is now a thing. But Selfie-Obsessed takes it to a whole new level; from ‘woke up like this’ selfie to ‘coffee with bae’ selfie, they just can’t get enough of it.

The Double Trouble, aka, Couples – At the verge of completing the final stage of symbiosis and merging into one, couples constantly write on each other’s wall and publicly display affection. Had things ended right there, it would have been bearable, but they go one step further. They put statuses stating the achievement of a milestone in their relationship which can be anything from ‘1 month of togetherness’ to ‘6 years of togetherness’. And do you even know how cool their bae is; he cooks the tastiest noodles? You sure can’t unsee the beach pics they made some stranger take.

The Blogger-Reporter – While the wannabe food blogger tempts you with the pictures of beautiful food under carefully chosen filters, the sports blogger enlightens you with their expert opinion and predictions in their series of statuses during a game. The politics reporters on the feed are similar to the sports buffs, but into politics. Equally annoying!

The Mummy-Baby – The social media account held by the mummy is now ruled by the baby, leaving us questioning, who does the facebook/insta belong to, mummy or the baby? From poop posts to first steps, from school awards to kid’s birthday parties, each album with 25+ photos. Maybe this is the legacy mummys want to handover to their kids when they grow up.

The Animal Lover – This animal lover loves non-vegetarian food as much as they love to pet animals. Pretty much similar to mummy-baby kind; they own a cat or a dog instead of a baby, and that animal is their reason of happiness, their best friend, or so they portray!

The Traveller – With every second person owning a DSLR now-a-days, you get to see 67 high resolution photos, or more, per album of places they visit, quite frequently. Woohoo Wanderlust. These photos range from a dog’s to random green trees, or from people walking the roads to sumptuous breakfast they’ve had.

And if by chance, the traveller is someone studying abroad, you will get to see 367 photos over the next few months.

The Fiancé – You have lived their love story through photos holding ring in the hand and longish statuses about the proposal. Just after the engagement happens, there is a flush of awkwardly positioned hand photos which display the rock on their finger.

Did I mention the fitness freaks? The list of kinds of friends on social media is incomplete without it.

They constantly upload pictures of selfies at the gym and make you re-evaluate your life. You like their photos loathingly as you swallow your pizza bite.

Excuse me, your stress is showing

As if the office stress, travel stress, what-to-eat-next stress wasn’t enough, the new kind of stress that is hovering people is the ‘I don’t look good enough’ stress.

No idea, why!

My sister whenever tries a new dress, sits us up in a round table conference, questioning, if she looks fat in the dress she’s trying on? This process is repeated every three minutes, till her shopping bags go empty.

That’s not it, the question is fired at us even for the clothes she regularly wears, and well, the night dress too.

The question ‘do i look fat in this’ is asked with such sincerity as if the changes in the diet plan will be made with immediate effect, however, allow me to bring this to your notice that nothing has been done so far in this regard.

It has become a monthly ritual that is performed to ensure that no mass from the body is lost. Additions to the body mass are more than welcome.

With an affirmative answer to her question, she goes to bed with satisfaction that she is still fat! And there’s nothing to be worried about.

Just because being slimmer brings with it several additional responsibilities of fitting into good old clothes which were purchased on the pretext of wearing them one fine day, and that’s too much of a stress. Not needed, definitely!

But when you are fat, you are just fat. All you got to do is, buy new clothes, and you are sorted.

Anyway, there is no happy answer to this question, ‘Do I look fat?’, when you know you have been hogging left, right and centre, and not exercising.

You ask someone if you are looking fat, and if that person says ‘no’, you will turn around and say, “liar, saying this to make me feel good.” When you know the answer, you are never in a losing situation.

But those who take the stress of not being good enough and let their self-esteem depend on their looks, there’s no connect between the flesh on your waist or tummy to your goodness.

Like my sister, she has made peace with her body, and doesn’t think that shedding those extra 5 or 10 kilos, okay fine, 15 kilos would add on to her happiness.

Summer Vacations are here. Yayie! Well, not.

It’s so depressing. Everyone is flaunting their exotic vacation. Timelines packed with photos from all over the world, minus Mussoorie, Nainital or Shimla. Because summers are here. And so are vacations. Yayie! Well, not.

Fellow depressed people raise your hands. Moral support needed! With these vacation pictures rubbed right in my face, I need someone to share my lack of vacation woes with.

You are a criminal if you aren’t vacationing at exotic places this summer, or so these vacation snobs feel. Don’t they understand, not everyone can go for a vacation? There may be those who can’t afford it or don’t want to travel for some reason, or simply have evil bosses who don’t grant leaves.

Depression hits another low when you are made to realise that even trees have leaves, but you don’t. Or even the pankha in your room, vo bhi ghoomta hai, but you don’t.

I mean seriously yaar, go wherever you want to. But would you not be a check-in maniac? From international airport to hotels to stoppages. Why don’t you check-in from the loo in Scotland? That’s also phoreign, no?

Don’t be a human equivalent of cloud burst, please!

I understand, you derive extreme pleasure by flaunting your pictures, but I (read: We, for I am the voice of all depressed people) really don’t need to see your 486 selfies and pictures with unknown firangs, or international dogs relaxing by the pool. Also, if you plan to do a facebook live, please please, let it be of something I, your Facebook friend, would like to see. I mean, those videos of a duck being a duck and chilling and eating doesn’t excite me. It depresses me. You went on an exotic vacation for this?!

What, do you want me to unfriend and block you? You know what that would mean, do you? That would mean, one friend less to flaunt your fancy vacation to. Hmm hmm.

I am fed up. And the rest of you, can you not ask 10 thousand questions from those vacationers? Do you even realise those questions and the excited replies to those become notifications for all of us? Also, that makes the album “Scotland trip with frnzzz” pop on our timeline again and again.

Most of us, are already feeling low and can do nothing about it, can you please let us live in peace?

Dil lena khel hai…

There are two kinds of people,
one, who cry with their friends after their breakup and sing ‘dil lena khel hai dildaar ka, oooo’. Heartbroken people love that shit.
two, those who help their friends breakup, as creatively as possible, because they need a wallpaper change in their phones.

I, being from the second group, consider it my duty to share the savage ways to breakup with people or things you are in relationship with.

#1 – Basic comparison

Things I like about Coffee:

• It makes me excited.
• It’s hot & good enough to have every day.
• Too strong or weak, it’s still good.

Things I like about you:

• Nothing
• Bye

#2 – Creativity and poeticity, pen down a Haiku

It’s
too
exhausting.

#3 – Blame game 

We have to break up.
But it’s not you, it’s me.

My ears make you sound so lame and boring.
And my eyes make you look old and ugly.

Bidding You Goodbye!!
*Teary-eyed Me*
(LOL JK)

#4 – Urgent-marked email 

We are over as of Mar 31, 2018.
I have moved on and I suggest you too be with someone who cares.
Because I Don’t. Bye.

***

I will be back with more such breakup ideas, God willing.
Till then, send some love and money, mostly money! 🙂

From foodie to survivor

I could always put lazy cats to shame, but moving out of home changed me… Not an ounce. I adorn the bed, mostly, avoiding any activity that can be useful for mankind.

Food has been a challenge since the first day of moving.

I kept watching videos on YouTube about how to make fancy looking cheese sandwiches, and ended up eating bread butter. Because budget bhi koi चीज़ hai bhai!

With everything tasting similar, I revisit the concepts of fooding world, as to what is what, each day. I gulp whatever is served to me, in quantities sufficient to keep me alive and not kill me of taste poisoning.

With my cheese being finally stolen after two failed attempts, I am afraid to use the refrigerator now. New cheese slices, the jam or the bread, everything lies in a pan full of water in my room. Safe, out of thieves and ants’ reach.

Living in a hostel full of hunger struck females, who mostly finish of the food before I reach to fetch the rice meal – yet another rice meal. That’s not it, they make food mountains on their plate, fearing that the food might get over before their refill. And later throw away the remains of what they couldn’t eat. How mean!

From foodie to survivor, the transition has begun!

The name game

Nicknames. We Indians have a weird habit of bestowing people around them, with weirder monikers, which mostly, have nothing to do with their real/official/publically-acknowledged names. Some of us have nicknames of our nicknames. That already short nickname is made shorter. Why was that short nickname kept in the first place, if you had to make it even shorter?

My cousin named Vikas, nicknamed Babloo was further nicknamed Bubble. No. Idea. Why.

My friend nicknamed Bulbul, was further nicknamed Bullu. Again, No. Idea. Why.

My father has a cousin named Tomato. Again, No. Idea. Why.

But there’s another category of nicknames that happen because of me. Not accidental. But for the sake of mandatory secret conversations about they-who-must-not-be-named.

In my previous organisation, a colleague was secretly christened Baalushahi, and secretly nicknamed Baalu, by yours truly. An extremely sweet name for an extremely insensitive person. No one could doubt. 😉 Her guy was named Poplu. Just because he looked like one.

Our global marketing head, who was lovingly named Constantin by his parents, could never know he was the Tinu we kept talking about.

Bui. We have been calling Aarushi, bui for about 2 years now. For she has that Bhua-like air. In fact, whenever I call her out, she responds. It’s like she has accepted one of the following conditions or maybe both:

• As per me, she has that bhua-like personality.
• She agrees with my opinion since we are living in a very opinionated world.

Now, it is only fair to call someone Pinku if he is pink-pink all through the day. What if he is your reporting manager? But you are a preacher of truth and absolutely don’t care about being fired.

Jaipur revisited

A long overdue plan, finally materialised – only to die a natural death for some, only to happen in a fuddy-duddy way for others. Initial group of 12 Jaipur enthusiasts got reduced to 4 within a week’s span. Cancellations for 8 had to be done and vacation mood was screwed.

But I had to visit the place again.

Just a day before the trip, she tripped and fell and broke her ankle. But we still lugged her till Jaipur. And made her get her pictures clicked.

Amid the food and pool breaks, oh…look at the pool.

Yea, so between food and pool breaks, we were more inclined towards food breaks.

And the selfies in the rangeelo pagdis 😉

The trip was coming to an end, we had managed to visit just one fort – Nahargarh, when we decided to say a quick hello to the ghosts of Bhangarh. Spooky, dank, full of lushes – the birds sounded scared. Though there were many humans wandering through the day, the place has the capacity to go eerie by the night.

Oh…and did I tell you, we paid a visit to Neemrana fort palace too?

***